Iris
by insaneprincess
Summary: Song fic to Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls. Edward's thoughts the first night he watches Bella sleep.


Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, or the song "Iris" by the Goo Goo Dolls. I also mention two other stories I don't own: Dracula by Bram Stoker and Romeo and Juliet by William Shakespeare.

A/N: This is my first song fic ever, and I think it turned out pretty good. I love this song and it's absolutely perfect for Edward and Twilight.

Dedication: This is for gwnmonkey who introduced me to this song and allowed me to write the song fic about it. :) Thanks so much, this one is for you!

EPOV

I hadn't been sure about coming here. It was an invasion of her privacy, but I couldn't help myself. I needed to think about her. About what was right.

So here I sat, in the rocking chair of Bella's room. She was beautiful while she slept, distracting me from my train of thought. But it was a welcome distraction, as my thoughts were too clouded. It was wrong to be here, but I couldn't stop myself. I cared too much to turn around now. There were no choices, no matter what was 'right' anymore. Because all I knew was that I had never, in my nearly a hundred and ten years existence, felt this way for anyone. This was the feeling, the thoughts that I had ignored when it came to my siblings and 'parents' and their respective other halves. I had been complete in myself for so long. I had never imagined that I could feel this. But I did.

But it wasn't right! She was pure and innocent and the worst part – human. She couldn't know my secret. And she couldn't be part of this dark world I lived in. I wasn't right for her. And I never would be.

And I'd give up forever to touch you  
Cause I know that you feel me somehow

I wished I wasn't this monster. I would give up this – for lack of a better word – life for her. I would give up anything for her. She was my everything. And she didn't even know it. And she didn't feel the same way.

No, that was a lie. I knew she probably didn't feel the same way as I did, as I was very nearly obsessed with her. But she had to care, at least a little. I knew she noticed my presence. I had been nasty to her, disappeared, returned, been extremely friendly, saved her life under impossible circumstances, refused to explain, ignored her for a month, and then randomly started talking to her again. Surely she felt something, even if it was simply confusion. Or hatred. Which was quite possible.

I wished more than anything that I were human. Then everything wouldn't be so complicated. Then I wouldn't have to ignore her, and pretend she didn't exist. I wouldn't thirst for her blood, she wouldn't tempt me every time I was anywhere near her. It was an impossible situation. I thirsted for her blood because of the deplorable creature I was. But I also thirsted for her in a different way, a new way. I wanted _her._ Not her blood. Just her. And it was such a new feeling, that I couldn't explain it, even to myself.

But if I had to, to anyone, I would call it love.

You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be  
And I don't want to go home right now

But I wasn't made to love someone as innocent and pure and perfect as her. She was my angel – my own heaven. The only heaven I'd ever get. I was a monster, so undeserving of someone like her. I only had hell, and her.

But she! She was so good and right and loving. So different than anyone else! If anyone was going to heaven, it was her. But me? Never me.

I would never be good enough for her. I wished I could delve into her mind and see if she agreed. And for some reason, I irrationally wished that she wouldn't. That she cared, too. That she felt something, too.

It was hopeless, though. For even if I could read her mind, and even if she did feel _something_ for me, she didn't know me. She didn't know that I was damned. That I would never be good enough for her. That I was a creature of the night, while she was as light and good as sunshine. We were as opposite as that. We could never be together. Night and day. Mortal and immortal. Good and bad.

But no matter how much I believed al of this, and no matter how much I knew I shouldn't care, I couldn't leave her alone. There was just something about her that drew me in. She was so different than every other dull teen I'd met throughout my existence. She captivated me. And, although she would never know, I would watch her, until the end of her life. Which would occur too soon. Because she was human.

But I wouldn't change that. I wouldn't take away her soul – her perfect, innocent, _intact_ soul – for my own greed and selfishness. And I didn't care what visions Alice kept having. I was not changing her – nor would I ever be. I would not be the reason that an innocent perfect girl like her would never get to heaven. Because she was my personal heaven. She was all I would ever need. But I wouldn't ruin her by making her this heinous creature I was. And yet, if I weren't this creature, if I hadn't lived an unnatural number of years, if I hadn't waited over a century, I would have never met her. So I thanked that one piece of fortune, and told myself not to push it.

But although I knew all of this, that I was this monster, this nightmare, I couldn't leave her alone. And I didn't want to leave now, even though I knew that at any moment her scent could be too much. That I could end her life so easily. And I could never live if that happened. I couldn't live with her dead. But I could, so simply, be the cause of that death. I was endangering her being here, but I couldn't leave. I could never leave her alone. And I couldn't go home right now. Even though it was the right thing to do.

And all I can taste is this moment  
And all I can breathe is your life

Her scent lingered everywhere. All I could smell was her. And the venom was there, searing my throat from thirst. But I still couldn't leave.

It was like flames burning my throat. But I could be strong, and I ignored it. It was there, that unquenchable thirst, but it was manageable nevertheless. Because I could never hurt her. I would be hurting myself.

And the moment was perfect. I loved watching her. She was so peaceful in sleep, the lines of stress on her forehead smoothed out and her face at rest. She talked, too. It was random things, like "it's too green," but every muttering sent my long since dead heart in a flutter. Figuratively, of course. I had no heartbeat. Just another reason why I shouldn't be here.

All I inhaled was her scent, the constant reminder of her humanity. It taunted and teased me – making me thirsty, but also simply frustrating me. I hated the fact that she was human, although I'd never admit it. Of course, she was supposed to be human, and she had her soul. But I hated the fact that I could never be with her. Because of this chasm that parted us. Nothing had stood in my way of anything before. But, she was worth more than anything I had ever wanted before. Ironic. The one thing that I actually wanted — coveted, actually — I couldn't have. And I understood that I couldn't have her. Shouldn't have her, as it was too dangerous. It was forbidden, this feeling that overwhelmed me. But I felt it anyway. I loved her.

Cause sooner or later it's over  
I just don't want to miss you tonight

She wouldn't stay like this forever. She would grow old, and I would watch from afar. But the real concern was the fact that, seeing as she wasn't immortal, she would eventually die.

Her life would end at some point, whereas mine never would. In less than a century Bella would die. This beautiful girl would die. Her life would end. It was too much.

It almost made me want immortality for her, too. But I knew the side effects of immortality. Becoming this nightmare that was my life. I would never be so selfish. I wouldn't end her perfect, human life for my own greed. I wouldn't risk her soul.

But it would kill me to see her die, as well. Her – gone from this world – was a terrible thought. But it was how life worked. Would I be strong enough to live without her? I doubted it. Before, I'd thought I'd had plenty of reasons for existence. My family. And there was always new knowledge. I was fine with being by myself. I didn't need all of those sappy thoughts I had to endure through too many minds. I'd thought I was fine.

I'd never understood the obsession with romances. A boy and girl fall in love and attempt to be together. Well good for them, but there were plenty of other reasons to live. Surely they didn't need to include romance in every single story written. But it seemed to be that way. I hadn't understood the preoccupation with it. Until now.

People loved writing romances because loving someone was one of the strangest, most powerful, most wonderful feelings that existed. It was one of the best times in their lives, and one of the most important. I hadn't realized how incomplete my life was until I fell in love with her.

But I didn't matter because we couldn't be together. But I didn't care about that – I loved her. I wanted her. I coveted her unreasonably. But I couldn't stop.

And I don't want the world to see me  
Cause I don't think that they'd understand

No one in my family understood why I couldn't leave her alone. Hell, I hardly understood it. And nobody ever would. How could I explain? _Bella? Hi. I know I've been a jerk recently, but I need to explain that I love you. I don't know why, or how, but I do. Oh and by the way, I'm a vampire and I drink animal blood. I'm immortal and I almost kill you every time I'm near you, because your blood smells really good. I spy on you and never sleep. I sparkle in the sunlight and can read people's minds, except for yours. I don't have a soul, either, because I'm a monster. So… do you love me too?_

Not that I could ever tell her. Because I _was_ a monster. And she was better off away from me. _Far_ away.

But that didn't mean that I didn't irrationally fantasize about what it would be like to be loved by this magnificent creature. What it would be like to have her forever. To not want to kill her. To be with her, easily. To be _human_.

But it wouldn't happen. Never. And the only other way for us to ever be equal was for her to be changed. Not going to happen.

Nobody knew about vampires – we were dangerous, obviously. The whole world was blind. But they were better off that way. The only rule we had was to keep the secret.

So there was no possibility of telling her. Not that I would. I would scare her half to death. And there was no reason to. She likely didn't feel anything towards me. She wasn't infatuated with me. She could stay away easily. She was perfectly normal.

Except she wasn't. She was more, so much more. She was smart, and beautiful, and intriguing, and witty, and lovable. She was my angel. Except. Except she would never be mine. And I had to remember that.

When everything's made to be broken  
I just want you to know who I am

But I remembered that phrase 'rules are made to be broken' and wished I could listen to that, instead of the voice of reason in my head. Because I wanted to be with her, even though I knew there was no possibility. It was against the law. The law prohibited my happiness. Great job, Volturi. Great.

Because if I was allowed to tell her, there was this slight possibility of being with her. Although she wouldn't want to be with a _vampire_, I could dream. I could imagine a world where I didn't have to keep the secret. Where we _could_ be together. But that was an impossibility. Every possible obstacle stood in our path. And although I knew she would run, she would fear me, she would hate me, I wanted her to know. To know that I was a monster, and yet still love me.

As though that could ever happen.

I was a murderer! I had killed humans for blood – and even though they were guilty, it didn't cancel out the fact that I had killed them. Intervened in fate. Just like I had when Bella had nearly been hit by the van.

But how could I not save her life? Even if she was headed for heaven? She was too good to leave this world, and I could understand why God would want her up there with him. She already was an angel, too good for this dark miserable world. But I wouldn't let her go. Not yet.

Because I would have to someday. I couldn't be with her forever, no matter how much I longed for it. She would be gone someday, but I couldn't do anything about it. And I was sure that it didn't matter, because she didn't feel the same way. She surely didn't obsess over me, think about me constantly. She wasn't infatuated. She wasn't in too deep.

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming  
Or the moment of truth in your lies

But it hurt so much to not have her. The only way to be with her was like now, watching her without her knowing. And she was so perfect in sleep. And I felt like crying over the injustice of it all. I loved her more than anything else that had ever or would ever exist. Wasn't that enough? But no, apparently not. The one thing I wanted more than anything was too good for me, too far out of reach. But I couldn't cry for this – I had no tears to spill. Just further proof of why I could never be with her. Ever.

I'd been lying for my whole existence – my age, the assumption that I was human, and my heart rate, among other white lies. But I felt the need to be honest with her. A girl that likely didn't care. How she did all of this to me, I would never understand. She could drive me away – all the way to Alaska –, and then bring me back. She could get me to talk to her. She could get me to save her life, nearly exposing us in the process. And she could get me feel the need to explain that I was a monster that lived on blood to her. How she could control me like this, I could never understand. But I knew that she always would. I was in too deep; there was no going back anymore. She'd captured me, and I was so far gone that I knew I'd never think the same way again.

Of course I'd been revaluating everything I'd ever thought since I'd met her. She was so unique in everything she did. And of course, she'd changed my whole perspective on life. Especially the idea that I was fine on my own, that I didn't need a significant other. I'd been wrong all along. I'd just had to wait a century to find her.

When everything seems like the movies  
Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive

So all the sappy romances made sense now, and I had a new appreciation for them. I finally understood the character of Romeo. I finally got why he threw his life away. I'd thought I'd got it before. But I hadn't understood what love felt like. How powerful it truly was. How it could control your life, but it could be so wonderful that it didn't matter. I had always thought that Romeo and Juliet were foolish. They had commit suicide for someone they had only known for a few days. They had gotten married after only one night together! But I would never doubt them again. They had known what true love meant and had accepted it. And now I could, too.

But there were still other things that the media had covered that I could compare my life to. I'm sure Bella had seen horror movies – and surely one or two about vampires. I wondered if she had cowered in fear. If she had screamed. If she had hidden her eyes. If the concept scared her to death. Or if she had stared at the screen and scoffed at the idea.

My life was a horror movie. I was like Dracula, or any other demon. And she would be just as afraid of me as any of those creatures of the night. Because I _was_ one of them. I belonged in those horror movies.

And I could never show the pain of that fact. Because I was a demon, I wouldn't have her. I would never have her. And this emotional pain was unimaginable. A million times worse than anything Jane could ever inflict on me. And it was only lessened by the fact that I knew that she was all right, that she was safe and happy. Even if she never felt the same way.

And I could never show the pain either. Because it almost _was _physical now, being apart from her. But there were no wounds to show for it, no blood spilt. Not that I had blood to spill – yet _further_ proof that I was nothing like her. That I was out of my mind to think I could waltz into her bedroom and watch her sleep. As though my dark world could ever touch hers. I was not human, no matter how long I pretended to be. I couldn't bleed. I had no blood to spill, other than what I had digested. No blood in my body was my own. It was from poor innocent animals. But better animals than humans.

But I was painfully aware of the fact that Bella was human. Every rich red blush that stole over her cheeks reminded me painfully of the gap between my existence and hers. She hadn't lost her soul. She was pure and untouched and I would never break her. I loved her, but there was a chasm between us, a fact that I was reminded by constantly, by the simplest things, like her very scent. The venom that flowed through me burned my throat in a constant reminder, a reminder that was an acute need to snap her neck and drink, for only then would I feel fine. But I could never do that. So I had to always remember that I was the most dangerous thing that had ever come anywhere near her. But that didn't change my feelings.

Because even though she _could_ bleed, even though her blood smelled appallingly luscious, even though she was _human_, I loved her. And I could never stop.

And I don't want the world to see me  
Cause I don't think that they'd understand

But it also didn't stop what I was. I was still the foul, dark creature who was so undeserving of her presence. And I still thirsted after her blood, the blood of an angel. It was so wrong of me to want it. But I did.

I had considered leaving, but I had no choice anymore. I had to be away from her so I didn't kill her. But when I was apart from her, I worried frantically if she was safe and okay. It killed me to be away from her. It was impossible. I couldn't be with her, yet I couldn't be away from her either. And all my frantic worries about her being okay were foolish, too, as she would be far safer with me, something so dangerous to her, away. Yet I couldn't deal with the worries and pain of being apart, I knew. It hurt too much to be apart.

But I was a monster! She was so much better off with me away! And she didn't even know. She didn't know that I was this demon that could so easily steal her life. And she didn't know that no matter how strong that urge was, I would fight it forever, because I loved her. I loved her and she didn't even know.

She didn't know any of it. Because she wouldn't understand.

When everything's made to be broken  
I just want you to know who I am

But no matter how foolish it was, I still wanted her to understand. Understand that I hadn't chosen this life, that none of us had. That we were – ironic enough – compassionate vampires. That I could care and love with this dead heart. And for her I always would. Not that any of it mattered. I could never explain any of this to her. But loved her. I loved her so God damn much!

But it was so wrong to want all of this! How many girls' boyfriends loved their girlfriends? Loads. But how many were also fighting not to kill their girlfriends every moment? That's right. None. Not that I was Bella's boyfriend. Or that I would ever be.

But I was sick of avoiding her. I could be nice to her, couldn't I? Surely that wasn't another crime, destroying my happiness. Or hers. If she even cared.

I don't want the world to see me  
Cause I don't think that they'd understand  
When everything's made to be broken  
I just want you to know who I am

All I wanted was for her to understand, and care. Care as deeply as I did. It would never happen. I had no hopes anymore. I shouldn't have come to watch her tonight.

I just want you to know who I am  
I just want you to know who I am  
I just want you to know who I am  
I just want you to know who I am

I watched her, so defeated that I would be crying if I could. It was then that she spoke. "Edward." She spoke so clearly in that moment that I was sure she had awoken, and found me here. I froze, my mind running through excuses. I had none.

But then she rolled over fitfully, mumbling my name again, "Edward." She continued muttering quietly and I sighed with relief. She was just talking in her sleep. Just dreaming.

About me. And that fact made me happier than I could've ever thought. She was dreaming about me. She cared enough about me that she was dreaming about me.

Her voice, saying my name, was the most beautiful sound I had ever heard, even if she was asleep. She cared. She had to care. I had hope.

And there, in her room, at three o-clock in the morning, I forgot about everything in our way. I forgot that I was a vampire and she was a human. I forgot that I had to work to control my urge to kill her. I forgot that she wasn't allowed to know I was a vampire. I forgot I had lost my soul and she was pure and perfect. I forgot my family and hers. I forgot everything that I had thought about all night. I forgot that anything stood in our way.

She was dreaming about me. She cared.

And that was enough for now. Enough for forever.


End file.
